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Goodbye, my little gremlin.
Sep. 3rd, 2025 09:03 amCW: Animal death. I will be updating this post with all the pictures of Jonesy over time. I love you, my heart dog. Please join me in remembering a very special little soul that was so full of happiness and life that even other angry, depressed people lit up at his very presence.
On September 1, 2025 I discovered that treating the tumor as an abscess did not work. The skin came off as the vet told me it might and it left a gaping hole underneath his jaw of which I could see the skeleton of his jaw and the front half of his trachea. On September 2, 2025 I made the decision with a heavy heart to put my best friend down because I knew he could not live a good quality life having to sleep with his head tilted at an angle all the time. Not to mention how painful that would be to live like that, I can't imagine that doesn't feel good to have to feel all the time. At all.
Jonesy has been through a divorce with me, he was there waiting for me when I came home from work after being assaulted. I did not want to let my best friend go. At all. He was a family member. He might as well have been my second child. Jonesy could give hugs, he had a really unique way of stretching out on me when I sat down or even when I was standing so I would have no choice but to hug him.
Yesterday I didn't have a whole lot of time but I took him to the beach one last time. He actually took the time to smell things yesterday - something he hasn't done since I noticed the tumor on his lower jaw - and he scarfed down the entire cheeseburger meal I bought for him alone at McDonalds. The tears started again. I tried so hard to beg strong for him but taking him to the beach knowing this would be his last time he got to see it broke me down. Knowing that was his last care ride broke me down. The song that played on the radio on the way to the beach was I think my gods trying to comfort me, trying to let me know I was making the best decision possible and that broke me down even further.
We got to the vet and I let him scarf down the whole bucket of treats. I cried even harder and asked him why he couldn't eat like that at home. My heart was breaking. What if I didn't try hard enough? Why didn't I just put him on a soft food diet to begin with? I felt like shit. I shouldn't have been making him eat hard food with that tumor but I didn't think about it until it was too late. Jonesy fought the sedation hard. He kept trying to look to me as if to say, "Mom, I'm not done protecting you yet." He didn't want to let me go and that made me break down further. I lay on the ground next to him and told him I was going to be okay, I promise. He literally gave me two last squeezes "hugs" with his head before letting go into a peaceful slumber. At that point, I was a complete hysterical mess. The vet came in and put him all the way out and I felt when his heart stopped and I squeezed him tighter, thinking about all the ways I wish I could have prevented that from happening. I'm crying again writing this. I don't know when I will stop crying every time I think about him steadily hopping along behind me. I don't know if I'll ever not be depressed when I come home and I don't hear his howling, his happy excited barks. His death hurts my soul something deep. My home is not the same without him. He protected me and this home instinctually. He didn't deserve this. If I could have taken his place I would have.
I went to work to avoid sitting at home in depression. I didn't want to be home, staring at the empty spot at the foot of my bed. I don't know what the abscess was caused by. I have a nagging suspicion it's cancer because the few months leading up to this he started sleeping differently and he stopped licking us altogether - small quiet red flags at the back of my mind I ignored and chalked up to something just being off I guess - but they are signs and they are there. I broke down at work and cried some more last night when I realized I will never get to hug him again and that his last few days were spent with a hole in his jaw that probably caused him a lot of pain. He tried to hang on to me tightly, for me. Even the vets were surprised but how much he fought the sedation - they had to give him a second dose - but he just didn't want to give up his fight. My strong baby, all the way through.
This pain will never heal but I still will never EVER regret choosing to love this dog at the animal shelter. I'm devastated I never got to take him to the mountains in Colorado like I planned to real soon. I'm devastated I had to lose my best friend at all. I'm mourning my heart dog, my soul is hurting. I love you, you special little gremlin. I hope you are running with the other doggies in the afterlife on four legs. 💙
On September 1, 2025 I discovered that treating the tumor as an abscess did not work. The skin came off as the vet told me it might and it left a gaping hole underneath his jaw of which I could see the skeleton of his jaw and the front half of his trachea. On September 2, 2025 I made the decision with a heavy heart to put my best friend down because I knew he could not live a good quality life having to sleep with his head tilted at an angle all the time. Not to mention how painful that would be to live like that, I can't imagine that doesn't feel good to have to feel all the time. At all.
Jonesy has been through a divorce with me, he was there waiting for me when I came home from work after being assaulted. I did not want to let my best friend go. At all. He was a family member. He might as well have been my second child. Jonesy could give hugs, he had a really unique way of stretching out on me when I sat down or even when I was standing so I would have no choice but to hug him.
Yesterday I didn't have a whole lot of time but I took him to the beach one last time. He actually took the time to smell things yesterday - something he hasn't done since I noticed the tumor on his lower jaw - and he scarfed down the entire cheeseburger meal I bought for him alone at McDonalds. The tears started again. I tried so hard to beg strong for him but taking him to the beach knowing this would be his last time he got to see it broke me down. Knowing that was his last care ride broke me down. The song that played on the radio on the way to the beach was I think my gods trying to comfort me, trying to let me know I was making the best decision possible and that broke me down even further.
We got to the vet and I let him scarf down the whole bucket of treats. I cried even harder and asked him why he couldn't eat like that at home. My heart was breaking. What if I didn't try hard enough? Why didn't I just put him on a soft food diet to begin with? I felt like shit. I shouldn't have been making him eat hard food with that tumor but I didn't think about it until it was too late. Jonesy fought the sedation hard. He kept trying to look to me as if to say, "Mom, I'm not done protecting you yet." He didn't want to let me go and that made me break down further. I lay on the ground next to him and told him I was going to be okay, I promise. He literally gave me two last squeezes "hugs" with his head before letting go into a peaceful slumber. At that point, I was a complete hysterical mess. The vet came in and put him all the way out and I felt when his heart stopped and I squeezed him tighter, thinking about all the ways I wish I could have prevented that from happening. I'm crying again writing this. I don't know when I will stop crying every time I think about him steadily hopping along behind me. I don't know if I'll ever not be depressed when I come home and I don't hear his howling, his happy excited barks. His death hurts my soul something deep. My home is not the same without him. He protected me and this home instinctually. He didn't deserve this. If I could have taken his place I would have.
I went to work to avoid sitting at home in depression. I didn't want to be home, staring at the empty spot at the foot of my bed. I don't know what the abscess was caused by. I have a nagging suspicion it's cancer because the few months leading up to this he started sleeping differently and he stopped licking us altogether - small quiet red flags at the back of my mind I ignored and chalked up to something just being off I guess - but they are signs and they are there. I broke down at work and cried some more last night when I realized I will never get to hug him again and that his last few days were spent with a hole in his jaw that probably caused him a lot of pain. He tried to hang on to me tightly, for me. Even the vets were surprised but how much he fought the sedation - they had to give him a second dose - but he just didn't want to give up his fight. My strong baby, all the way through.
This pain will never heal but I still will never EVER regret choosing to love this dog at the animal shelter. I'm devastated I never got to take him to the mountains in Colorado like I planned to real soon. I'm devastated I had to lose my best friend at all. I'm mourning my heart dog, my soul is hurting. I love you, you special little gremlin. I hope you are running with the other doggies in the afterlife on four legs. 💙
no subject
May. 9th, 2025 07:49 pmMan, Reddit became soul-crushing fast. I had to stop scrolling it. I have to, for my mental health. I wasn't expecting things to get better but I wasn't expecting them to go side-ways that fast. The only reason I haven't deleted that app is because I am in a few good communities that share a wealth of knowledge on the subject.
Lately I have been still planning out my writing group forum. I plan on starting that sometime this weekend. I've also been toying with the idea of starting a rather complex project. I have been thinking about making my own video game like the other single-person developers out there. I know that I won't be able to have voices or anything like realistic graphics but I'm going to start with some 2D graphics and go from there. I want to make a game similar to the GBA Zelda games and make my own turn-based RPG like Octopath traveler, basically. ^^;
I've been wanting to play more games like those but with different stories and characters, obviously. I really miss playing the Zelda game with the four seasons, I loved that one. I can't really find games like that hardly so it's time to start putting my own out there, I think. :D I know it's going to be insanely difficult but with the free time I do have, why not? And if I made a game that made me a million (haha, dreams amirite?) I want to use some of that money to fund building a console that doesn't use silica (that's scary and I just found out about the resource being critically low right now) and that I will keep under $600 dollars (probably around $400 if I'm being honest) to bring healthy competition to a market that's oversaturated and inflated by greed and monopoly.
I've been making it a point to start seeking indie stuff lately. As I said in my previous post, I'm not supporting reckless corporate greed anymore. I'm going to start doing a post every Friday where I highlight any indie games/music/books/movies... etc that I find. If I haven't found something new that week or didn't have the time then I won't make the post but I'm going to try and make one every week. Without further ado;
Indie Game & Developer Discovery: Rift riff. This was discovered on the 'gamedevelopers' (I believe) reddit. One of the game development subreddits. The developer made this gameby himself with a small team while supporting his wife (who has long Covid) and his two-year old son. I haven't played it yet but it looks like a really fun and unique game that I actually do want to play for fun. You build towers to shoot at monsters while you run around on the map and collect loot. Here is the link to the game on Steam since I messed up on the name: https://store.steampowered.com/app/2800900/Rift_Riff/
Indie Music Discovery: Surgeon!! This appears to be a single person making some pretty wicked beats. No label backing that I'm aware of. In order to show your support, I highly encourage you to buy their music either off a website or the CD if they produced one. I'm not sure if they have produced their own CDs but I'll update this post when I find out. If you like techno beats made by a non-mainstream artist, check out their work! They only have the one album but I'm sure they would appreciate follows/money either way. They unfortunately only have the one album available at the moment.
Indie Films Discovery: Blue Jean. A 2022 drama about a teacher who tries to hide her sexuality from everyone but the discovery by a student threatens to throw all of that out the window. I'm terrible at summaries but I'm going to watch this soon. When I do, I'll update this post with a review.
Currently Reading: Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano. Okay so I don't think I'm going to do an indie category here since, well, this isn't a market oversaturated with mainstream success but I will make sure to point out if what I'm currently reading is self-published by a really small writer. I'm about halfway finished with this novel and it's actually a decent book that showcases reality in a harsher, more realistic light. It does have it's light-hearted moments but it's pretty decent so far.
And that is all for now! I know I don't have the reviews for some of these but at least I have dug some nuggets out of the trough. I do promise to update them as I watch/play/listen/read them.
And if you are feeling in the donating mood, here is a link to help a friend of friend out. Their pet was hit by a car. https://gofund.me/730e754f
I'll catch up and comment on missed entries. Sorry I haven't been here lately. Mental health has not been so great. :(
Lately I have been still planning out my writing group forum. I plan on starting that sometime this weekend. I've also been toying with the idea of starting a rather complex project. I have been thinking about making my own video game like the other single-person developers out there. I know that I won't be able to have voices or anything like realistic graphics but I'm going to start with some 2D graphics and go from there. I want to make a game similar to the GBA Zelda games and make my own turn-based RPG like Octopath traveler, basically. ^^;
I've been wanting to play more games like those but with different stories and characters, obviously. I really miss playing the Zelda game with the four seasons, I loved that one. I can't really find games like that hardly so it's time to start putting my own out there, I think. :D I know it's going to be insanely difficult but with the free time I do have, why not? And if I made a game that made me a million (haha, dreams amirite?) I want to use some of that money to fund building a console that doesn't use silica (that's scary and I just found out about the resource being critically low right now) and that I will keep under $600 dollars (probably around $400 if I'm being honest) to bring healthy competition to a market that's oversaturated and inflated by greed and monopoly.
I've been making it a point to start seeking indie stuff lately. As I said in my previous post, I'm not supporting reckless corporate greed anymore. I'm going to start doing a post every Friday where I highlight any indie games/music/books/movies... etc that I find. If I haven't found something new that week or didn't have the time then I won't make the post but I'm going to try and make one every week. Without further ado;
Indie Game & Developer Discovery: Rift riff. This was discovered on the 'gamedevelopers' (I believe) reddit. One of the game development subreddits. The developer made this game
Indie Music Discovery: Surgeon!! This appears to be a single person making some pretty wicked beats. No label backing that I'm aware of. In order to show your support, I highly encourage you to buy their music either off a website or the CD if they produced one. I'm not sure if they have produced their own CDs but I'll update this post when I find out. If you like techno beats made by a non-mainstream artist, check out their work! They only have the one album but I'm sure they would appreciate follows/money either way. They unfortunately only have the one album available at the moment.
Indie Films Discovery: Blue Jean. A 2022 drama about a teacher who tries to hide her sexuality from everyone but the discovery by a student threatens to throw all of that out the window. I'm terrible at summaries but I'm going to watch this soon. When I do, I'll update this post with a review.
Currently Reading: Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano. Okay so I don't think I'm going to do an indie category here since, well, this isn't a market oversaturated with mainstream success but I will make sure to point out if what I'm currently reading is self-published by a really small writer. I'm about halfway finished with this novel and it's actually a decent book that showcases reality in a harsher, more realistic light. It does have it's light-hearted moments but it's pretty decent so far.
And that is all for now! I know I don't have the reviews for some of these but at least I have dug some nuggets out of the trough. I do promise to update them as I watch/play/listen/read them.
And if you are feeling in the donating mood, here is a link to help a friend of friend out. Their pet was hit by a car. https://gofund.me/730e754f
I'll catch up and comment on missed entries. Sorry I haven't been here lately. Mental health has not been so great. :(
Alternatives to Amazon & Kindle
Apr. 9th, 2025 05:30 pmBarnes & Noble w/Nook. The only gimmick with them is you have to buy the books on their store in order to synch it with the app. From what I just read you can't buy straight from the app. I could be wrong. I'm unsure. The pros of supporting them is you don't support Google or Amazon and still have just as many books to choose from as either one. If I buy a book reader in the future it will be Nook.
Bookshop.org This company is a very good company to support from my understanding. Their mission is to help indie bookstores thrive in our current multi-billionaire overlord era. This is where you can buy from self-publishing writers and compete with Amazon. Only THESE GUYS give their money to help fund the failing bookstore industry. Their profits are donated to them and the bookstores that partner with these guys get full sale value from my understanding. If you are looking for books from lesser-known authors or to support that niche, I highly suggest giving them a look before going to Amazon for this reason alone.All you need to do is download an eBook reader like "calibre" of which I will link to the bottom of this. Oops. It has an app. I'll still leave the link up for if you download books from Google or other places that don't have an app.
Library Apps like Libby, etc Need I say more? The library and its apps are still a decent source for good reading material. This should be self-explanatory. It works with a library card and its free to borrow books from.
Amazon Kindle Alternatives: https://alternativeto.net/software/kindle/
Honestly that's a great link for me to bookmark anyways because I'm pretty regularly looking for alternatives to software programs. Especially in today's world.
If anyone else has any other suggestions that isn't owned by an evil multi-billionaire please feel free to leave them in the comments. Thank you!
Edit: Okay, never mind about Google at all. That license is on all the books now. So I only recommend B&N and Bookshop.org. Definitely bookshop.org first. :)
Bookshop.org This company is a very good company to support from my understanding. Their mission is to help indie bookstores thrive in our current multi-billionaire overlord era. This is where you can buy from self-publishing writers and compete with Amazon. Only THESE GUYS give their money to help fund the failing bookstore industry. Their profits are donated to them and the bookstores that partner with these guys get full sale value from my understanding. If you are looking for books from lesser-known authors or to support that niche, I highly suggest giving them a look before going to Amazon for this reason alone.
Library Apps like Libby, etc Need I say more? The library and its apps are still a decent source for good reading material. This should be self-explanatory. It works with a library card and its free to borrow books from.
Amazon Kindle Alternatives: https://alternativeto.net/software/kindle/
Honestly that's a great link for me to bookmark anyways because I'm pretty regularly looking for alternatives to software programs. Especially in today's world.
If anyone else has any other suggestions that isn't owned by an evil multi-billionaire please feel free to leave them in the comments. Thank you!
Edit: Okay, never mind about Google at all. That license is on all the books now. So I only recommend B&N and Bookshop.org. Definitely bookshop.org first. :)
no subject
Apr. 5th, 2025 02:22 amIt's a little too late for me to be posting this but there are very important protests going on across the country starting tomorrow to fight back fascism in this country's government. The movement is on Reddit under 50501. The main event is on Washington DC. I urge you to keep up with that community on Reddit!!! Protesting works!!!! It has been the only thing to work not only in the history of our country but other countries as well. Please consider showing up or supporting in anyway you can!! We want to try and avoid another civil war but if it came down to that I will be fighting, I'm not going to bend my knees to something I can not stand.
Also consider:
1) Deleting all social media apps belonging to the billionaires. Not just Elon Musk but FB, Amazon, and keep an eye on TikTok because Amazon guy is trying to buy it. Research what other apps they have their greedy arms in. Do not make it easy for them to make money off of you aka your data!!!! You can still use them on a PC but clean out your cookies and cache every time you do.
2) I have not found a good alternative to Instagram yet but I don't care anymore. I'm gonna make a Bluesky eventually a long with my own website. I'll use Tumblr too since they aren't infected by greed just yet. I'm still going to post here too.
3) Buy from smaller chains/businesses when you can. Try to avoid big chains and grocery stores - like Walmart, McDonald's, Coors especially - but I understand sometimes it's unavoidable. I'm not gonna hunt you down for it. But I'm just saying, be aware they are part of the problem of billionaires lobbying and controlling our government. Research all of the companies that are problematic and make your business choices from there. I'd argue to even buy from Canada instead at this point.
4) Support human talent and artists. Look up to see what businesses/companies/movie franchises/video games... Etc support AI and do not give them the time of day anymore. MONEY TALKS. I know it's hard sometimes but we can only beat greed by not buying into their bullshit. Look at Nintendo. They are making it so we can't buy their games used anymore and instead have to buy it for the full price of $80. I understand they have always been kind of slimy but once again, they don't learn anything if you throw all their money at them constantly.
Remember people, WE have the power, WE have to be the resistance. Please think about this post. Think about all the ways you can help and spread the word. The more people that boycott the rich, the harder they squirm. Don't enable them and their terrible business practices.
Thank you for reading this if you did. My country is in actual danger and we need all the help we can get.
Also consider:
1) Deleting all social media apps belonging to the billionaires. Not just Elon Musk but FB, Amazon, and keep an eye on TikTok because Amazon guy is trying to buy it. Research what other apps they have their greedy arms in. Do not make it easy for them to make money off of you aka your data!!!! You can still use them on a PC but clean out your cookies and cache every time you do.
2) I have not found a good alternative to Instagram yet but I don't care anymore. I'm gonna make a Bluesky eventually a long with my own website. I'll use Tumblr too since they aren't infected by greed just yet. I'm still going to post here too.
3) Buy from smaller chains/businesses when you can. Try to avoid big chains and grocery stores - like Walmart, McDonald's, Coors especially - but I understand sometimes it's unavoidable. I'm not gonna hunt you down for it. But I'm just saying, be aware they are part of the problem of billionaires lobbying and controlling our government. Research all of the companies that are problematic and make your business choices from there. I'd argue to even buy from Canada instead at this point.
4) Support human talent and artists. Look up to see what businesses/companies/movie franchises/video games... Etc support AI and do not give them the time of day anymore. MONEY TALKS. I know it's hard sometimes but we can only beat greed by not buying into their bullshit. Look at Nintendo. They are making it so we can't buy their games used anymore and instead have to buy it for the full price of $80. I understand they have always been kind of slimy but once again, they don't learn anything if you throw all their money at them constantly.
Remember people, WE have the power, WE have to be the resistance. Please think about this post. Think about all the ways you can help and spread the word. The more people that boycott the rich, the harder they squirm. Don't enable them and their terrible business practices.
Thank you for reading this if you did. My country is in actual danger and we need all the help we can get.
