Goodbye, my little gremlin.
Sep. 3rd, 2025 09:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlewolfteethCW: Animal death. I will be updating this post with all the pictures of Jonesy over time. I love you, my heart dog. Please join me in remembering a very special little soul that was so full of happiness and life that even other angry, depressed people lit up at his very presence.
On September 1, 2025 I discovered that treating the tumor as an abscess did not work. The skin came off as the vet told me it might and it left a gaping hole underneath his jaw of which I could see the skeleton of his jaw and the front half of his trachea. On September 2, 2025 I made the decision with a heavy heart to put my best friend down because I knew he could not live a good quality life having to sleep with his head tilted at an angle all the time. Not to mention how painful that would be to live like that, I can't imagine that doesn't feel good to have to feel all the time. At all.
Jonesy has been through a divorce with me, he was there waiting for me when I came home from work after being assaulted. I did not want to let my best friend go. At all. He was a family member. He might as well have been my second child. Jonesy could give hugs, he had a really unique way of stretching out on me when I sat down or even when I was standing so I would have no choice but to hug him.
Yesterday I didn't have a whole lot of time but I took him to the beach one last time. He actually took the time to smell things yesterday - something he hasn't done since I noticed the tumor on his lower jaw - and he scarfed down the entire cheeseburger meal I bought for him alone at McDonalds. The tears started again. I tried so hard to beg strong for him but taking him to the beach knowing this would be his last time he got to see it broke me down. Knowing that was his last care ride broke me down. The song that played on the radio on the way to the beach was I think my gods trying to comfort me, trying to let me know I was making the best decision possible and that broke me down even further.
We got to the vet and I let him scarf down the whole bucket of treats. I cried even harder and asked him why he couldn't eat like that at home. My heart was breaking. What if I didn't try hard enough? Why didn't I just put him on a soft food diet to begin with? I felt like shit. I shouldn't have been making him eat hard food with that tumor but I didn't think about it until it was too late. Jonesy fought the sedation hard. He kept trying to look to me as if to say, "Mom, I'm not done protecting you yet." He didn't want to let me go and that made me break down further. I lay on the ground next to him and told him I was going to be okay, I promise. He literally gave me two last squeezes "hugs" with his head before letting go into a peaceful slumber. At that point, I was a complete hysterical mess. The vet came in and put him all the way out and I felt when his heart stopped and I squeezed him tighter, thinking about all the ways I wish I could have prevented that from happening. I'm crying again writing this. I don't know when I will stop crying every time I think about him steadily hopping along behind me. I don't know if I'll ever not be depressed when I come home and I don't hear his howling, his happy excited barks. His death hurts my soul something deep. My home is not the same without him. He protected me and this home instinctually. He didn't deserve this. If I could have taken his place I would have.
I went to work to avoid sitting at home in depression. I didn't want to be home, staring at the empty spot at the foot of my bed. I don't know what the abscess was caused by. I have a nagging suspicion it's cancer because the few months leading up to this he started sleeping differently and he stopped licking us altogether - small quiet red flags at the back of my mind I ignored and chalked up to something just being off I guess - but they are signs and they are there. I broke down at work and cried some more last night when I realized I will never get to hug him again and that his last few days were spent with a hole in his jaw that probably caused him a lot of pain. He tried to hang on to me tightly, for me. Even the vets were surprised but how much he fought the sedation - they had to give him a second dose - but he just didn't want to give up his fight. My strong baby, all the way through.
This pain will never heal but I still will never EVER regret choosing to love this dog at the animal shelter. I'm devastated I never got to take him to the mountains in Colorado like I planned to real soon. I'm devastated I had to lose my best friend at all. I'm mourning my heart dog, my soul is hurting. I love you, you special little gremlin. I hope you are running with the other doggies in the afterlife on four legs. 💙
On September 1, 2025 I discovered that treating the tumor as an abscess did not work. The skin came off as the vet told me it might and it left a gaping hole underneath his jaw of which I could see the skeleton of his jaw and the front half of his trachea. On September 2, 2025 I made the decision with a heavy heart to put my best friend down because I knew he could not live a good quality life having to sleep with his head tilted at an angle all the time. Not to mention how painful that would be to live like that, I can't imagine that doesn't feel good to have to feel all the time. At all.
Jonesy has been through a divorce with me, he was there waiting for me when I came home from work after being assaulted. I did not want to let my best friend go. At all. He was a family member. He might as well have been my second child. Jonesy could give hugs, he had a really unique way of stretching out on me when I sat down or even when I was standing so I would have no choice but to hug him.
Yesterday I didn't have a whole lot of time but I took him to the beach one last time. He actually took the time to smell things yesterday - something he hasn't done since I noticed the tumor on his lower jaw - and he scarfed down the entire cheeseburger meal I bought for him alone at McDonalds. The tears started again. I tried so hard to beg strong for him but taking him to the beach knowing this would be his last time he got to see it broke me down. Knowing that was his last care ride broke me down. The song that played on the radio on the way to the beach was I think my gods trying to comfort me, trying to let me know I was making the best decision possible and that broke me down even further.
We got to the vet and I let him scarf down the whole bucket of treats. I cried even harder and asked him why he couldn't eat like that at home. My heart was breaking. What if I didn't try hard enough? Why didn't I just put him on a soft food diet to begin with? I felt like shit. I shouldn't have been making him eat hard food with that tumor but I didn't think about it until it was too late. Jonesy fought the sedation hard. He kept trying to look to me as if to say, "Mom, I'm not done protecting you yet." He didn't want to let me go and that made me break down further. I lay on the ground next to him and told him I was going to be okay, I promise. He literally gave me two last squeezes "hugs" with his head before letting go into a peaceful slumber. At that point, I was a complete hysterical mess. The vet came in and put him all the way out and I felt when his heart stopped and I squeezed him tighter, thinking about all the ways I wish I could have prevented that from happening. I'm crying again writing this. I don't know when I will stop crying every time I think about him steadily hopping along behind me. I don't know if I'll ever not be depressed when I come home and I don't hear his howling, his happy excited barks. His death hurts my soul something deep. My home is not the same without him. He protected me and this home instinctually. He didn't deserve this. If I could have taken his place I would have.
I went to work to avoid sitting at home in depression. I didn't want to be home, staring at the empty spot at the foot of my bed. I don't know what the abscess was caused by. I have a nagging suspicion it's cancer because the few months leading up to this he started sleeping differently and he stopped licking us altogether - small quiet red flags at the back of my mind I ignored and chalked up to something just being off I guess - but they are signs and they are there. I broke down at work and cried some more last night when I realized I will never get to hug him again and that his last few days were spent with a hole in his jaw that probably caused him a lot of pain. He tried to hang on to me tightly, for me. Even the vets were surprised but how much he fought the sedation - they had to give him a second dose - but he just didn't want to give up his fight. My strong baby, all the way through.
This pain will never heal but I still will never EVER regret choosing to love this dog at the animal shelter. I'm devastated I never got to take him to the mountains in Colorado like I planned to real soon. I'm devastated I had to lose my best friend at all. I'm mourning my heart dog, my soul is hurting. I love you, you special little gremlin. I hope you are running with the other doggies in the afterlife on four legs. 💙
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